Back from the dead, aka a European tour with The Offspring, and with the release of their split album, "Tales Told By Dead Men" in tow, I finally stopped being a lazy bastard, got off my growing-larger-by-the-day ass and talked to Send More Paramedics' frontman, B'Hellmouth. A day later, this arrived back in my inbox...
What? You didn't think I'd meet any of these bloodthirsty, carnivorous maniacs face to face did you? Well?
Scene Point Blank: Hey B'Hellmouth. Thanks for taking the time to talk to Scene Point Blank, how the hell are you?
B'Hellmouth: SICK. REALLY SICK. I THINK I'M DYING.
Scene Point Blank: Sorry to hear that. So, I suppose the first question gotta be, ... Are you really the reanimated cadavers of the deceased, or are you just a big group of posers?
B'Hellmouth: DECEASED. YOU KNOW, IT REALLY BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE TAKE THIS LINE...YOU WOULDN'T DARE SAY IT TO MY FACE WOULD YOU? AAARRGGHH!
Scene Point Blank: Do you remember anything of your former lives?
B'Hellmouth: OCCASIONALLY THE ODD HALF-FORMED IMPRESSION SEEPS THROUGH, BUT IN GENERAL THE PROCESS OF DECOMPOSITION HAS CUT US ADRIFT IN PERPETUITY FROM ALL MEMORIES OF OUR PAST.
Scene Point Blank: What do you remember from your change? Do you remember the change itself? I've heard it being likened to crawling out your own mouth sideways, but I'm not sure if that source was reliable.
B'Hellmouth: I THINK THAT'S A HYPERSPACE JUMP YOU'RE DESCRIBING... ALL I REMEMBER IS AN ETERNITY OF DULL, MEANINGLESS PAIN, A HALF-DEATH IN A DESERT OF PARCHING DUST. A VAGUE, FORMLESS HATE.
Scene Point Blank: Have you seen Land of the Dead yet? What did you think?
B'Hellmouth: YES - I FOUND IT EXTREMELY ENJOYABLE, ESPECIALLY THE IDEA THAT ZOMBIES WILL ONE DAY BE ABLE TO DEVELOP INTELLIGENCE. SOON THERE WILL BE NOWHERE TO HIDE!
Scene Point Blank: Really? Personally, I found it repugnant. I dream of a world where zombies and humans live in perfect harmony, intermingling one another. Not one where they are literally fenced off from one another. We could even use criminals as food, you know? Get the readership of The Daily Mail onto our side. What you think?
B'Hellmouth: THAT SOUNDS LIKE CRAP. IF YOU WERE MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR I'D EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE. BLOOOD!
Scene Point Blank: Send More Paramedics are clearly much more musically adept than the brass band in Land of the Dead. How exactly did you get so good? You haven't been genetically modified for scientific purposes, like those rage-infected monkeys in that awful 28 Days Later film have you?
B'Hellmouth: I THINK THE MANIC SPASMS OF LIVING DEATH ARE QUITE EASILY ADAPTIBLE TO THE INSTRUMENTAL STYLES OF THRASH PUNK...SO MAYBE THAT'S THE REASON WE'RE SOOOO FUUUUUCCCKKKIINNGGG GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(!)
Scene Point Blank: Send More Paramedics are the self-proclaimed inventors of Zombiecore. Mind giving us a brief description of what Zombiecore is, exactly?
B'Hellmouth: I QUOTE: 'A HIDEOUS FUSION OF 80S-STYLE THRASH METAL AND MODERN HARDCORE PUNK, CONTAMINATED AND DEFORMED BY AN OBSESSIVE FASCINATION WITH ZOMBIE B-MOVIES.'
Scene Point Blank: Speaking of zombie movies, as a zombie, what do you think of them? Do they only succeed in reinforcing social stereotypes and are, thus, merely propagating just another form of racism, or do you think they are good for getting out of work zombie actors back into the workplace?
B'Hellmouth: I ACTUALLY FEEL THAT ROMERO AND THE OTHERS HAVE DONE A REALLY GREAT JOB OF ARTICULATING SOME OF THE POLITICAL OPPRESSION INFLICTED ON THE LIVING DEAD BY HUMAN AGGRESSION AND BIGOTRY. I MEAN, WHO ELSE IS SPEAKING OUT FOR US, REALLY?
Scene Point Blank: Do you feel that our media misrepresents zombies or do you think our view of the zombie race, as a group of mindless, cold and unconsciousness killers is correct?
B'Hellmouth: YES ITS CORRECT. ALL DAY LONG I DREAM ABOUT EATING YOUR FUCKING BRAINS.
Are human social issues reflected in the land of the zombie? I mean, is there a Bob Geldof or Bono type character in your world, helping feed starving zombies in Africa?
B'Hellmouth: NO. WHY WOULD A ZOMBIE THINK ABOUT ANYBODY ELSES NEEDS BUT HIS OWN? WHAT A FOOLISH IDEA. THAT SAID, I AM A BIG FAN OF ROMERO'S USE OF HUMAN-LED PLOTS AS ALLEGORIES FOR THE NATURE OF UNDEAD LIFE TODAY.
Scene Point Blank: What computer game would you play with Ed from Shaun of the Dead on the PS2?
B'Hellmouth: PROBABLY RESIDENT EVIL...
Scene Point Blank: I've been instructed to ask if this is the coolest picture you've ever seen of yourself:
B'Hellmouth: YES IT IS.
Scene Point Blank: You've released two split albums in the last few months, embarked upon your first UK headlining tour, just got off the road with The Offspring and been featured in an edition of Bizarre. It's good to see you're keeping busy, but when the devil are you going to put out a new full length, Godammit?
B'Hellmouth: WE'RE GONNA START WRITING SOON, SO IT SHOULD BE OUT IN SPRING/SUMMER.
Scene Point Blank: Speaking of The Offspring tour, how did it come about? The Offspring aren't secret zombies too, are they? I'm sure I seen Noodles with a severed head once, but I might have dreamt it.
B'Hellmouth: IF THEY WEREN'T BEFORE, THEY ARE NOW....
Scene Point Blank: How did you find playing with such a huge band? Was the tour the resounding success it should have been? How did you find The Offspring audience?
B'Hellmouth: IT WAS GREAT. THE FACT THAT SO MANY PEOPLE WERE BOOING MADE IT EASIER TO CHOOSE OUR TARGETS WHEN FEEDING. I DON'T THINK THEY WERE QUITE READY FOR ZOMBIFIED THRASH. STILL, I THINK WE IMPLANTED OUR INFECTION INTO A FEW PEOPLE'S SKULLS, SO TO SPEAK...
Scene Point Blank: Did playing much larger venues give you a better and more varied selection of human meat to choose from? What do European human brains taste like? Apparently, it's more of an acquired taste and that they smell funny, but I might have accidently read The Sun again or something.
B'Hellmouth: MMMM...SWISS BRAINS...FULL OF HOLES YOU KNOW...IT'S NOT REALLY THE QUALITY SO MUCH AS THE QUANTITY WE ENJOYED...
Scene Point Blank: You're heading back out on the road in the North of England later this month for a few gigs with Municiple Waste. Every time you tour, you seem to be making an army of new friends and fans. What does the future hold for SMP? Can you ever envisage moving to a major label, or are you happy with where you are and what you're doing for now?
B'Hellmouth: WE HAVE NO FIXED PLANS. OUR MAIN PRIORITY IS TO GO ON SPREADING THE DISEASE UNTIL IT HAS ENGULFED EVERY CORNER OF THE EARTH. IF THAT MEANS SIGNING TO A BIGGER LABEL, THEN HEY...
Scene Point Blank: Would you ever consider writing a song that's not about zombies, or do you feel that writing a song not about zombies would be like jeopardising your self-identity and selling out to a human predominated world cultural environment?
B'Hellmouth: WE JUST WOULDN'T DO IT. WHERE WOULD BE THE FUN IN THAT? WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
Scene Point Blank: Do you kill your prey, or let them live? I'd imagine you'd have to kill at least a vast majority of it, right? Because if you didn't, you'd end up with an overpopulation of zombiesâ?¦
B'Hellmouth: WE DON'T TEND TO THINK AHEAD IN THAT WAY...AS LONG AS WE CAN FEED, WE FEED. AS TO WHETHER OR NOT WE KILL OUR PREY, WHY DON'T WE MEET FACE TO FACE SO I CAN SHOW YOU..?
Scene Point Blank: So, what happens to zombies when they starve? Since they are dead, surely they can't die again?
B'Hellmouth: YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS..! ZOMBIES DEPRIVED OF FOOD WILL EVENTUALLY WITHER INTO DUST AS THEIR NATURAL DISINTEGRATION IS ACCELERATED BY THE DEARTH OF FRESH NEURON-JUICE...
Scene Point Blank: If you could zombify one celebrity, who would it be, and why? I'd have to choose Kilroy (does he even count as a celebrity?). I don't know why. I just think that there is no time when poking fun of Kilroy isn't appropriate. Do zombies find him as ridiculously funny as the rest of the world?
B'Hellmouth: MAYBE BRUCE CAMPBELL...HE'D BE FUN TO HAVE AROUND. KILROY SEEMS TO BE DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF MAKING HIMSELF MORIBUND WITHOUT OUR HELP...
Scene Point Blank: Well, thanks again for your time. Not to sound conceited, but it's late and my inferior human mind is in need of sleep. Good luck with the mini-tour. I shall leave you to feed on some innocent souls and degrade back into the earth.
B'Hellmouth: WELL, THANK YOU TO YOU TOO, AND DON'T FORGET TO LOCK YOUR WINDOWS BEFORE YOU TUCK YOURSELF IN...
BRAINS!
B'Hellmouth (SEND MORE PARAMEDICS)
