Feature / Regular Columns
Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition

August 26, 2012

Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition
Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition

wine.jpg

blag_column.pngYou’re drunk and you stink and you love me. Must you tell me with your frothy lips half an inch from my nose, though? It smells like you ate a bag of shit dipped in tequila. And because you’re drunk I have to counteract the kindness and sincerity of your statement with the converse: I love you, ya fucking asshole! I love you, ya stupid faggot! I love you, but you guys suck donkey dick!

I haven’t been drunk since the mid-‘90s when I wandered into the New Orleans home of a young couple and puked on their living room rug on the way into their bedroom. Fortunately, they weren’t armed and guided me back to the street. Eventually, my guitar player found me and when he was done laughing, put me to bed. I felt for weeks like I had been poisoned and never had any desire to drink again.

I didn’t even remember the couple until years later when reading about Robert Downey, Jr. pulling a similar stunt in Los Angeles. It came back to me in a flood of revulsion. Now don’t get me wrong, I love to get fucked up, always have. Marijuana is my personal fave, but coke, heroin, pills, ecstasy, LSD, DMT, PCP, I’ve done them all. And I doubt I’ve been too brilliant on any of them.

But nothing matches the raw stupidity of a drunk. People on acid make inane observations. People on heroin rifle through handbags and sofa cushions, looking for spare change. People on weed talk about how stoned they got this other time they got stoned. None of it really passes for genius level activity.

But drunks take the cake in the annoyance sweepstakes, hands down. Every idiot that ever wanted to fight me was drunk. Every swerving, passing, honking car accident waiting to happen had a drunk behind the wheel. Every jerk off in the late-night drive thru that took fifteen minutes to order fries and a root beer was drunk.

I make my living in nightclubs and nothing makes the end of the night go slower than a drunk who thinks they’re amusing. They never are. And, usually, they own the nightclub so I have to pretend that they are until I get paid.

That’s why I’m starting an online petition to reinstate the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution, commonly known as “Prohibition.” If this works, no longer will I be subjected to slobbering buffoons insulting my band and your intelligence. No longer will I endure the stupid observations, the obvious humor, the insufferable stench of alcohol as it courses through a moron’s bloated veins.

prohibition.jpg

I’ll be free at last of the inebriated females who knock at the door of my hotel room at all hours of the night demanding three-way sex with me and their friends, I’ll be free of the…

Wait a minute, perhaps I’ve been a bit hasty here. It is summertime after all. Alcohol sales help boost the economy. Booze is one of our only exports. And doctors have found that wine has lots of anti-oxidants, beer assists in white blood cell maintenance, and a nice aperitif can aid in digestion.

Ladies, have a drink on me!

--

BLAG DAHLIA - Rock Legend
August 2012

Blag Dahlia sings for the Dwarves (www.thedwarves.com) and podcasts at RadioLikeYouWant.com

— August 26, 2012

Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition
Guest Column: Blag Dahlia - Prohibition

Related features

Jumalvauhti

One Question Interviews • March 27, 2025

Kalle (Jumalvauhti – bass) SPB: Who is your favorite band/artist from the 2000-2010 era? Kalle: It's hard to say, but Destiny's Child definitely can't go wrong.  Read more

Bronson Arm

One Question Interviews • March 26, 2025

Black Bickel (Bronson Arm) SPB: What is your favorite stretch of highway to drive in the US? Bickel: My favorite stretch of highway is that bit between Milwaukee and Minneapolis, two cities that Bronson Arm always have a great time playing. So if we are leaving Milwaukee, we are usually … Read more

Unstable Shapes

One Question Interviews • March 25, 2025

Kevin Hurley (Unstable Shapes – bass) SPB: What is your favorite Fugazi record? Hurley: While we can debate the best Fugazi record, a personal favorite of mine is The Argument. It was my entry point for the band. I was admittedly way late to the party on them and as … Read more

Retirement

Bike Shop

Interviews / Don't Quit Your Day Job • March 23, 2025

How an artist spends their time by day will influence the creative process at night. In Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Scene Point Blank looks at how musicians split their time, and how their careers influence their music (or how their music provides escape). In this edition, we chat with … Read more

Let Me Downs

One Question Interviews • March 12, 2025

Paul Levesque (Let Me Downs - bass/vocals) SPB: Has the band ever been in a car/van accident while touring? Levesque: Fortunately, we haven’t! (Knock on wood) We have had our fair share of van issues. Blown tires, A/C going out in an hours-long traffic jam in the Arizona desert in … Read more

Advertisement

DCxPC 2025

More from this section

Table Talk #18 – Preparing For Year End Lists

Regular Columns / Table Talk • November 22, 2024

I’ve talked about having a writer’s block this year. So when I set myself down (after a stern talk to motivate myself) I looked at this blank page thinking: what on earth should I discuss this time around? At first I thought I would put another couple of labels in … Read more

Guest Column: Jon Snodgrass

Regular Columns • November 6, 2024

Jon Snodgrass has been in the music industry and punk scene for the better part of 30 years, playing with bands such as Drag the River, Armchair Martian, Scorpios, and more. He currently performs most frequently under the name Snodgrass + Buddies, where he plays with a backing band of … Read more

Guest Column: Greg Jacobs – The 5 Sketchiest Venues I’ve Ever Been To

Regular Columns • September 27, 2024

Greg Jacobs managed the bands Big DRILL Car, Drive Like Jehu, Rocket from the Crypt, and Supernova and has worked at the record labels Enigma, CRUZ, SST, Cargo, Capitol (for one day), and Trust. He currently manages two of the aforementioned bands (even though they’re inactive), freelances for one of … Read more